Captain’s Blog: Why you shouldn’t buy Hitler’s Toilet
To buy or not to buy? In today's market, that is the only question. Alternatives are evolving from an optional to an essential portfolio component, so today, I'll be breaking down whether to buy or not to buy on historical alternatives. An auction company is auctioning off Hitler's toilet seat. This is a "not to buy" for so many reasons.
First, When investing, it's important to remember the brag index, how much one can brag. Hitler's toilet isn't really something you can brag about while giving a tour of your home. As humans, we love the ability to take a friend, like my friend Brian, on a tour of your current housing situation. It's a chance to brag and make your friend Brian feel bad for the items he doesn't have. "Here's my 1999 first edition holographic Charizard card hung next to my toaster."
While on the tour, people will most likely not be impressed by your Hitler toilet seat. More likely, they'll be creeped out and assume you're a weirdo. If someone was impressed by it and responded by screaming, "I've always dreamed of sharing a toilet with Hitler!" Well, you should probably make some new friends, like my friend Brian.
The second major issue is cleanliness. According to the article, American soldiers stole the toilet. You don't know how clean that toilet is, you don't know who has used the toilet, and you don't know where that toilet has been since. As a gut reaction, I tell all looking to invest, don't invest in second-hand items. Bathroom equipment traditionally loses an average of 41% percent of its value the moment it's used for the first time.
Thirdly, it would be ignorant of me not to see the historical value. However, the risk outweighs the rewards on this one. According to a survey by YouGov, 45% percent of Americans believe in Ghosts. Let's say that 45% of people are right, and there is even the slightest chance ghosts exist, and once the toilet is used for the first time, Hitler reemerges like a genie from Aladin, breaking out into a racist, anti-semitic meddle, I couldn't imagine anything more horrifying. I never assume, but on this one, it's safe to assume that Hitler's toilet is haunted. I guess one plus would be if Hitler's ghost does live in the toilet, you can defecate on him every day, but again the risks are heavy that he could one day escape the toilet, which would require a Word War II veteran ghost army to hunt him down.
In conclusion, You're better off spending your money on the Numi Comfort Height Intelligent Elongated Dual-Flush Chair Height Toilet With Premium Remote valued at $11,700. That toilet will have no ghosts, will be brand new, and it will be a great double brag on the next tour you give my friend Brian. "That's my Numi toilet. Not only does it leave me clean, Hitler never used it."
