Captain’s Blog: What To Do About Childcare?
Here’s an industry I never thought I’d wish to have shorted: The CHILD DAYCARE INDUSTRY. If I had shorted it, I would be sitting on a beach in St. Barths, schmoozing it up with Jeff Bezos discussing the shape of our yacht’s jacuzzis. I assume, like his rocket, his jacuzzi is penis shaped. Since the pandemic, 16,000 daycare centers have permanently closed across America. Now, this topic is very close to home for me. First, I’m a father, and second, as a businessman, I know a cash opportunity when I see one.
The U.S. has faced many shortages since the start of the “pandem,” RVs, Cream Cheese, Beer, Chicken Wings, Lumber, and lifeguards. I imagine a sad guy named Frank, a lifeguard and RV lover who loved nothing more than dipping his chicken wings into cream cheese, depressed, trying to rebuild his house and celebrate with a beer. Well, his life sucks now, and now Frank’s six kids under the age of five are fucked because daycare places are closing down faster than James Corden’s ban and unban from Balthazar. One primary reason, the Bureau of Labor Statistics reports that there are 100,000 fewer childcare workers than before the pandemic. The big question: What happened to those 100,000 daycare workers?
Now, a semi-wise teacher once taught me that when you assume, you make an “ass” of “u” and “me.” Well, Fuck that. When you assume, you’re betting on your own opinion, and you can’t trust anyone more than yourself. Does anyone know more secrets about you than you? Having said that, I will assume away where those 100,00 childcare workers went.
A lot got stuck at home during the pandemic with their own families, and once things started opening up again were thinking, “shit, I’ve been stuck with my kids for so long; I’m not trying to be stuck with your kids.” Some of those 100,00 workers crushed it on day trading apps like Robin Hood and headed off to Wallstreet. Others might have picked up hobbies like pickleball, and now they’re playing in the professional pickleball league. And a good chunk was like, “I don’t even like kids.” However, I assume most childcare workers realized the shit pay they received and took their talents elsewhere. According to the economic policy institute, the average childcare worker in the U.S. makes about $13.51 an hour. That’s roughly $30,000 a year, which is less than half of the average U.S. worker's income at almost $28 per hour. We trust our kids with these people and aren’t even paying them enough to afford the new Adult Happy Meals at Mcdonald's.
In some places across the U.S., the number of children of working parents under the age of 5 is three or more times greater than the number of childcare givers. The Bureau of Labor Statistics labels these areas as “Childcare Deserts.” Which is just one S away from being a delicious treat. Does a childcare desert sound like a great place to trip on Acid? Of course, it does. A desert filled with ball pits, easy-to-read picture books, yoohoos, and those dope nap mats sounds fantastic. However, it’s a massive problem in the real world, with the issue significantly affecting working-class families, single parents, and low-income families.
What are the solutions? What do we do with these kids? I’ve got a few ideas. We can lax child labor laws and put these kids to work. If that’s too heinous for you, we can get these kids involved in internship programs, where they work for free but get a good experience and college credit. If that doesn’t sound fun enough for a 4-year-old, we can convert all Six Flags amusement parks into daycares where you drop your kid off at the beginning of the day and let them go wild at Six Flags. I assume the Six Flags revenue stream Monday to Friday from 9-4 isn’t great, and this could be a massive cash opportunity. The mascots can be the teachers, funnel cakes for lunch, Mr. Six Flag will be the principal, and pick-up at 4:30 before Spookfest. Or, and this is a significant OR, we can pay childcare workers what they deserve because they take care of our children.
